JOURNAL OF THE MISFIT

talk to yourself, talk to the tears. talk to the man who put you here. & don’t wait for the sky to clear.


do you know that women are like the apples on a tree. the best ones are at the top of the tree. men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to get. so the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're AMAZING. they just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

sometimes, we forget how precious we are. although we can handle trouble & carry heavy burdens, we hold happiness, love, & opinions. we smile when we feel like screaming, we sing when we feel like crying, cry when we're happy, & laugh when we're afraid. there's only one thing wrong with us & that is that sometimes we forget that we're worthy.
next time, just in case we forget, remember that we are smart enough & beautiful enough to never be taken for granted & to never be anyone's second best.

title : "A Single Man"
director : Tom Ford
genre : drama
released year: 2009
running time : 1 hour 39 min.
cast : Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, Nicholas Hoult, Matthew Goode

reason to watch: i planned to be spontaneous today :) so i just picked a random movie to watch :p

"A Single Man" tells about the last day of George Falconer - a middle-aged English professor who's still grieving at the death of his long-term partner for 16 years, Jim - before he decided to commit suicide. this film's gonna bring the audience to witness George's preparation for the suicide as he reminisced about the memories he had with Jim. feeling gloomy & lonely, as he put his loaded gun into his portfolio, he tried to live his planned-to-be last day by saying goodbye to people around him secretly. on that day also, more crucial than ever, he had an encounter with a few people who were about to indirectly help him to make peace with his loss & sadness. those people are Carlos - a Spanish gigolo who's just arrived in Los Angeles; Charley, George's one-time-lover who's now a divorcee & seems to be still interested in him despite his sexual orientation; & Kenny, one of his students who's being captivated by him & his thoughts.

set in the year of 1962, Tom Ford's directorial debut is so beautiful to look at. adapted from Christopher Isherwood's novel, "A Single Man" is not a film for everyone, it's not your typical mainstream movie you're going to enjoy to watch with most of your fellas, but i can guarantee that this one will be very enjoyable for every open-minded movie enthusiast. the gay issue is distinctly shown along the film - the intimate relationship George once had with Jim & also the subtle but apparently not sexual relationship between George & Kenny. depressing yet deeply artsy, this film perfectly captured the beauty of loneliness & the other catastrophes. poetic. dramatic. melancholic.

artistically made with a stunning cinematography, every moment in this film is just so unique & detailed, & not forget to mention, this film is supported by the solid performances from the actors. Colin Firth's just flawless, elegant, & fascinating as always, his *devastated* character is so likable by viewers, & he played it wonderfully; & so is Julianne Moore - although she didn't appear much in the film, she successfully portrayed a divorcee with nothing else to hold on to, except her memories with George in the past. another standing ovation should also be given to Nicholas Hoult, he's young, talented, good-looking (okay, have i mentioned that he has the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen? :D), & is definitely making his way to stardom. by the way, just in case you don't remember who Nicholas Hoult is, well, he's the cute little boy in the British flick "About A Boy", does it ring a bell? he's a beautiful grown-up now xD

"A Single Man" is full of metaphor, emotionally intense, & what did help to build such melancholy yet gloomy atmosphere is the music. thanks to Abel Korzenieowski - he's such a great composer for being able to create the wonderful scores which are soothing but also 'dark' at the same time. he should receive an award for this & the fact that he was ignored in the Oscars is a total blasphemy LOL. it's a movie about tragedy, profound sadness, loss, & bittersweet love. it's cliche & flat at times - i'm referring to the plot, the storyline, which is actually crude & is not as complex as it does look. so if you're looking for a fast-paced film with conflicted plot here & there, better avoid this film.

overall, "A Single Man" is an impressive directorial debut by Tom Ford; a flick of longing, grief, & how to make peace with it - mentally & visually provoking. it'll make a perfect escapism.

"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise & I can feel rather than think, & things seem so sharp & the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, & I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be." (George)

rate: 4/5.
download the film HERE


first, let me make it clear:
  1. it's not likely that i'm gonna get married any time soon; but of course i still want to get married in the future (with God's permission :D).
  2. i haven't dated any guy before ('puppy love' doesn't count, okay?), hence i'm not quite experienced in such matter. so please forgive me if this writing turns out to be too naive & you ended up feeling nauseous (p.s. vomit bag is unavailable).
  3. my future boyfriend(s), please do not freak out. i'm not in a rush, hope you're mature enough to know that it's just a writing. plus, you'll be very lucky if you still go along the way until the wedding bell rings (though i hope you do).
  4. so, what's the use of this writing? later in the future, i'd like my future husband to read it. i just want him to know that i'm gonna love him whole-heartedly in spite of his imperfections (& this letter's gonna tell him that). aww...

dear future husband,

i'm just wondering, do i know you or have we met before? or maybe at this time you're still a complete stranger out there? wherever you are right now, i just want to let you know that i cannot wait for the day when we bump into each other & fall in love. firstly, what should i call you? i don't want to call you 'honey', 'babe', or 'love' because everyone calls his/her partner that way. it'll be pretty much confusing when we're lost in the crowd, right? hmm, should i call you by name? but i still don't know your name yet at this moment. ah, what's in a name as long as i can call you my own?

tell me, tell me everything about you, for i still have no clues yet. all i know is that you will respect & love me with all you have, as much as i will respect & love you with all i have. all i know is that together we're gonna fulfill God's perfect plan. all i know is that you're gonna treat me well, like the way you treat your beloved mother. all i know is that you're gonna accept me for who i really am & you will never push me to change to be somebody who i am not. i'm not a psychic for telling you these; i knew these because these are the same things i'm gonna do to you.

what are you like? what's your dream? what's your favorite musics? do you like to go to the movies? are you more like, a cat person or a dog person? where do we go on our first date? there are zillion things i want to know about you, but i guess it won't be long for me to find out. hopefully. but whatever it is, i want to let you know that i don't care if you don't look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Takuya Kimura, i don't care if you don't sing as good as Finn Hudson, i don't care if you don't enjoy movies as much as i do, i don't care if you do have a horrible taste of music, i don't care if you rarely give me phone calls because you're too busy living in your own little world, i don't care if you still love watching cartoons. why? because i'm gonna accept you for who you really are, & that includes your every beautiful imperfection. just so you know, your heart is the one that fascinates me, it is the only thing that i hope will never change :)

well, have you ever wondered about me? hmm, i'm definitely not the prettiest face you've ever seen, i don't have the skinniest waist for you to hug, i don't have the perfect smile, & sometimes i do talk too much. i still enjoy having conversations with my cats & enjoy the late-nite snacking. sometimes i eat a little bit too much & i don't wanna go dieting. i can be very opinionated towards something & people start calling me stubborn. i'm very perfectionist at times & i work alone better. i suck at planning & i'm not good at organizing stuff either. dear, i have my flaws, & so do you. the beauty of our relationship is that we will be able to accept each other's flaws regardless because of the love we will share.

i know that there will be fights, there will be tears, there will be struggles along the way. though at times i may fail, know that i will always work towards becoming a better woman, even after we are married. i'm not a good cook now, but i'm willing to learn how to cook better (read: cook something else other than fried rice :p) so i can prepare your breakfast & dinner everyday. i'm gonna teach our kids English & Dutch, i want them to be brilliant at school, just like their dad (read: you). every morning i'll send them off to school, while you're going off for works. i still want to have a professional career too, if you don't mind. but i promise that i'll do my best & put our family on my priority list. you see, i wanna be a great wife for you, a great mother for our kids, & a great lawyer for the society. and you, you're the perfect man to complete that vision. i hope i can complete yours too :)

hmm, isn't it funny that right now both of us are wondering about each other's whereabouts. can't you imagine how God is eager for us to meet? but what can we do now other than keep searching for each other? somehow, my feeling says that you're not that far, you're somewhere near me, only i haven't realized it yet. let the time answer our curiosity, dear. meanwhile, let us be patient - for love always is.

last but not least, dear partner for life, God has vowed me that you're mine & i believe someday God will reunite us. until then, you'll remain in my prayers & hope that you'll find me soon. love you already with all my my heart. pray for me (just like i do for you).

xoxo
your dearest future wife :)


sometimes i'm lazy
i get bored
i get scared
i feel ignored
i feel happy, i get silly
i choke on my own words
i make wishes, i have dreams
& i still want to believe
anything can happen in this world,
for an ordinary girl...

("Ordinary Girl" by Miley Cyrus)



a friend once asked me, "what is happiness?"
one simple question, but it takes a thought to answer. it's not like i've never been happy before or that i've never appreciated its existence in life; it's the opposite - there are TOO many things in life that make me happy. defining those things one by one surely gives me a hard time, so does summing it up into one exact sentence.

well, happiness is...
  • being able to wake up in the morning, which means He gives me another beautiful day to live in.
  • having a cup of coffee & a well-cooked fried rice for my breakfast to start my day with.
  • there's no traffic jam on my way to campus so i can arrive on class right on time.
  • being able to sit in the class & have the appropriate education - which i think everyone should have.
  • receiving good score on exams after browsing through books all night long for studying.
  • laughing so hard until my face hurts.
  • singing along to my favorite tracks on my way to campus.
  • lying in my bed & listening to my favorite musics while it's raining outside.
  • eating Soto Ayam with lots of koya, Nasi Campur Bali with Sate Babi, or Nasi Padang in a big portion.
  • laughing at myself when i make a mistake.
  • playing with my kitties & talking to them (though their only reply is "miaow")
  • watching the sunrise & the sunset on my rooftops.
  • midnight phone-calls with besties (& talking for like, hours).
  • when somebody asks me, "what are you doing?" - although my routine's actually not interesting at all.
  • movie-marathons all day long with a big bucket of popcorn plus extra butter in my hand.
  • strolling the mall all alone :)
  • reading Reader's Digest while having a hot coffee in the cozy evening.
  • being told that i'm unique (instead of weird).
  • receiving an unexpected text message from the people i care about the most - although it's only a simple greeting.
  • listening to classic-oldies songs without being told that my taste of music is horrible.
  • being able to learn something new each day.
  • when my little brother doesn't steal the internet bandwith at home.
  • when i feel sad, somebody comes up to me asking what's wrong & i answer, "nothing, i'm just fine", that somebody says, "don't lie to me, i know things aren't okay."
  • spending time together with my family. i love them so much.
  • first day on school - i get to see new faces in class, it's cool!
  • knowing that i'm not doing the work alone when it comes to a group assignment.
  • watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt's movies & admiring how cute he is (& be jealous of whoever his love interest is in the movies).
  • spending time together with people i love.
  • finding someone who can truly understand me & accept me for who i am (err... hopefully soon! xD)
  • getting scholarship, which means i can help out my parents financially.
  • seeing my parents' happy smile on my graduation day (hopefully it'll come true next year).
  • when somebody whom i have a huge crush on finally asks me out (whoaaa, it'll be like a thunder on one hot sunny day LOL)
  • eating all-you-can-eat without worrying about gaining weights.
  • drinking hot chocolate when i have a hard time to sleep.
  • waking up & realizing that it is Sunday morning so that i don't need to go to campus.
  • watching "Glee" & imagining that my future-boyfriend will be like Finn Hudson xD
  • being told that i'm pretty when i wear my slouchy jumper, an old pair of jeans, & keds shoes.
  • being able to help other people (the smile on their face is priceless!).
  • being able to forgive others & be forgiven by others.
  • being surrounded by people who love me :)
  • eating a cheesecake to recover myself from a broken-heart. it works :p
  • drinking fresh orange juice after class.
that's quite a lot, isn't it? :p
well, happiness doesn't always come in a huge package, sometimes it is the little things in life which we often forget because we focus ourselves on the big things. you see, it's easy to be happy - you just have to pay more attention to those little things & be grateful for their existence in your days. laugh hard, smile a lot, give everyone a second chance, life's too short to be anything but happy :)

HAPPINESS IS REAL WHEN IT IS SHARED.
pay it forward the happiness in you to other people. believe it or not, by giving other people a bit of our heart, the more we can appreciate life. why? because the beauty of life doesn't depend on how happy you are, but how happy others can be because of you. so, how do you start it? smile at them. it's contagious :p

if you're asking me whether i'm happy or not at this moment, well, i gotta say that i am. i'm happy because God has given me SOOOO much - He gives me the best family & friends i've ever had, the opportunities to learn many things in life & enjoy the beauty of life itself. always involve God in everything we do, because true happiness can only be found within Him (& that kind of happiness doesn't come along with a price tag! :p)

happiness is yours to live & yours to give, if only you will. it comes from the inside, & the best way to experience it is to get it flowing out. forget about trying & striving to get happy. just decide to be happy, & happiness is yours. because being happy is not a mood, it's a decision you make.

[ mood : tireddd ]




the suicide of a teenage irish
one of the articles in the latest issue of Seventeen Australia really shocked & stung me to the quick. the article is entitled "Letters to Phoebe". Phoebe Prince was an average teenager like most of us, she was a sweet 15 year-old girl who loved goofing around with her friends. what made her different is the fact that she's no longer able to enjoy her life as a highschooler, because she committed suicide after onslaught on cyber-bullying.

Phoebe moved from Ireland to Massachusetts, & as a new girl in her school, she tried her best to adapt. a guy senior named Sean was approaching her & that made her feel at ease (having somebody to rely on when you're a new in town, isn't that really good?). but that happiness didn't last for long, Sean finally got back to his sometime-girlfriend, Kayla. then Phoebe began dating another senior, Austin, but (again), it didn't go well because Austin's on-&-off girlfriend, Flannery threatened her. from that day, she's mercilessly tormented by the school's "Mean Girls" in order to make it impossible for her to remain at school. the kids started calling her "Irish slut" & "whore" on her social sites page, sending threatening text messages to her cellphone, anything to make her feel humiliated. Phoebe has tried to report the bullies to the school officials, but things could not get any better. without having nobody to help her in such depressing situation, she just wanted to end the pain she could no longer endure by killing herself.

According to what i've read in the news, 9 teenagers from South Hadley High School have been charged with bullying Phoebe Prince. the charges ranged from statutory rape to violation of civil rights, criminal harassment, disturbance of a school assembly, & stalking (if you're interested to check out the Massachusetts anti-bullying law, see HERE).


"the bullying stopped when i claimed myself & proved that i wasn't afraid. a lot of it was when i was hiding when i was younger." (Randy Harrison)
we all know that bullying is never a good thing, nobody deserves such treatment as a human being or as a part of a community. but many of us haven't realized that the act of bullying isn't merely in physical; it also includes verbal or written abuse, exclusion from community, & coercion. the story above hits me quite hard because i know exactly what Phoebe felt that day, that day before she finally decided to commit suicide. i've been there before. that's why i know how it feels to be excluded from your peers, threatened, & humiliated. in such condition, how do you expect those who are bullied & live in a constant fear to fight back?

bullying is an act of violence. people who are abused have the tendency to be depressed, have low self-esteem, are at risk for mental health problems, & sometimes, just like the Phoebe's story, it also leads to a suicidal state. so whoever says bullying is the hot stuff, she/he must be demented :<

right now, i'm asking you all to take a stand against bullying. if you ever find your friends are bullied, report the action to the trusted adults, always be there for your friends, strengthen them because support is all that they need. let them know that they're not alone, let them know that they got you on their back. if you are the bullies, then it has to be stopped, not only for the sake of other people, but for your own good too. do you know that most people do bullying because they just feel insecure about themselves & the only way they can feel the superiority is by bullying or abusing other people, it makes them feel the power is in their hand. but you see, what's the use of feeling powerful if you're finally ended up in jail, rejected by your own peers, & failed a class or a relationship? the power turns into ashes.

the only way to gain the true power is to have respect; respect yourself (why do you have to feel insecure? how do you expect things to turn out good if you cannot feel good about yourself?) & respect others (in order to be respected in return). there's no need to feel that you have nobody, because you actually don't. killing yourself is not a shortcut to end the bitterness of your pain. it'll make it worse, believe me. have you ever thought about who will be next 'victim' when you're gone? have you ever thought about your family, your close friends, or whoever cares about you (because i'm sure you DO have people who care about you, it's just that you don't realize it - yet)?

so here's the deal, pump up your self-esteem, confidence, & start to feel good about yourself. you cannot change what people say about you, it's their right anyway, but you can change your way in dealing with it. don't let their words harm you. sometimes, ignorance is a bliss, you see? the more you care about the bullies, the more they'll treat you bad. the most important thing is - take charge of your own life, do not let anybody control it. you can't control other people's actions, but you can control yours. lastly, when you feel like noone understands your complete misery, talk to Him, He understands, He cares about you more than anyone. we are all important to God & your suffering is before his eyes. let your faith do the talking that He will never ever leave you. meanwhile, hold on to it & be strong.

Be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Heb 13:5)
Rest in Peace, Phoebe Prince. you'll be missed. xoxo.

[ mood : so-so ]


hello fellow human beings! ;D
wow, it's been like ages since the last time i posted here. been busy dealing with the real world, dudes ='( oh anyway, i've decided to renew this blog (again), & that's including the act of deleting my previous posts. so here i am, ranting, babbling, mumbling, & whatever you name it :p

"there's no way i'll let it end!" (Yukiji)
finally, i got the chance to continue reading Urasawa Naoki's masterpiece "21st Century Boys" - yes, it's the last 2 volumes of the so-called epic "20th Century Boys", which has also been adapted in the live-action movies. the story itself still revolves around the unsolved mystery of (the new) "Friend" & the struggle of Kenji & his fellas to stop him from destroying the world - using the Book of Prophecy they wrote when they were kids. things get critical when Friend's giant robot is rampaging & ready to abolish the mankind. whoaah... :D

still using the same old formula, "21st Century Boys" offers you loads of actions, unpredictable plot, & have i mentioned before that it also has a top-notch artworks? :p the ending is quite satisfying (though it's a bit anti-climax, IMO); resolves what's unsolved in the first part & finally, we'll be able to see Kenji in his heroic mode - not just strolling around the town playing the guitar & sing the "sudararara"-thing. hahaha. his role is very dominant here, unlike before which was dominantly being taken by Kana (hmm, save the best for last?). it's important remembering that all of the mess happening in the story is actually indirectly caused by Kenji's 'wrongdoing' when he was a kid =_=; but yeah, as Yukiji said, it's pointless to say 'what if' *nods*

what's lacking in the second part of the story is that there's too much use of psychic powers. it's like, Urasawa-sensei was in a deep rush to end the story faster by easily solving the problems aroused - while i expected it to be more thrilling & nerve-wracking. in spite of this weakness, it's just impossible for me not to read this manga. i've already fallen for it since i was in high school & i just couldn't wait to see how Urasawa-sensei would put an end to his masterpiece. hence i decided to throw my logic away out of the window, sit back, relax, & enjoy the story whole-heartedly. screw with the psychic powers :p
overall, it's a must-read manga i recommend you all to read =)

read the manga HERE
or download HERE
enjoy! :D

RATE: 4,5/5

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i'm the book you have to read, the puzzle you have to solve, & the challenge you have to conquer =)

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